The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

This was a gift for a newlywed couple. It is life changing for a person, and their person!

This book is an all-time best-selling classic in the field of relationship counseling. The interesting thing however, is that if couples would read this book early-on in their relationship... even before getting married (as my wife and I did)... there might not be so much need for relationship counselors in the first place. The tragic mistake that so many people make, as outlined in this book, is that they try to express love for their mate in a way that is exactly how they would want love expressed to them. The intent is good there, it is after all an attempt to "do unto others as you would have done unto you". The problem lies not with the intent, but with the execution. For example, if a man appreciates "words of affirmation" from his wife (having his wife say every day that she loves or admires him)... and he reciprocates by offering his wife similar "words of affirmations" ... that may not be the particular "Love Language" that his wife appreciates. She might, for example, more appreciate "Quality Time" (spending time talking with her), or "Acts of Service" (getting that chore list done for here) much more-so that just words. Or... vice-versa... it varies according to the emotional makeup of each individual. The main message here is that in a loving relationship, it is not enough to do unto others as you would have done unto you... one must go beyond that to do unto others as they would prefer that you do unto them... and that requires more understanding and work that just "being nice". Although this example is not given in the book, I think the best example of this dynamic is a story a pastor once told me about a 75-year old man and woman who had been married for 50 years. Every morning the man lovingly cut off the END piece of a fresh loaf of bread and gave it to his wife, while he took an INTERIOR piece of the bread loaf for himself. After 50 years, the wife could no longer contain her secret resentment, and she yelled "Why do you always give me that crusty END piece, and take a nice soft inside piece for yourself!?" The old man paused a moment, and as tears welled up in his eyes, he said to his wife, "Dear, the end piece is my favorite part. I have been giving the end piece to you all these years because I thought surely it must also be your favorite part." How very sad. The man had been sacrificing needlessly, out of love, when if the couple had just had better communication, they could have EACH been enjoying their respective favorite parts of the bread loaf, with no need for such sacrifice. Even more sad... all those years of needless resentment festering within the wife, who thought her husband was being selfish, when he was actually being self-sacrificing. The moral of this story: discover what your mate's "love languages" are, and love them how they want to be loved... not how you assume they want to be loved, just because that's how you want to be loved. And as a real though-provoking side-note: if you are not married yet... try to find a mate whose "love languages" are basically the SAME as yours... and then, you can just do what comes naturally, without having to worry about such things very much. I highly recommend this book to anyone seeking a lasting and loving relationship with their spouse.

Everyone who has had a significant relationship understands the fundamental reality that relationships are hard and require lots of work to be successful. Of all the books I have read on relationships, this one has the best, most applicable, most practical, and most comprehensible advice for couples (targeted particularly to married couples). In this book Gary Chapman explains his concept of the "five love languages" which are in a sense just the ways that different people give and receive love (and desire love to be demonstrated to them). He explains different viewpoints about love in relationships in a reasonable and graspable manner that anyone can understand, and of key import, he helps you determine your primary love language or love languages (some people like me have two). When combined with the love language of your partner, you can quickly see where things can potentially go asunder. Although he doesn't specifically recommend it as a premarital compatibility tool, I think that is perhaps one of the best uses you could make of this book. Hopefully you can find someone with the same languages you share, but if you can't you can at least know what to expect in future interactions with your intended spouse. This book is very simple and very easy to read (I read it easily in an afternoon), but it is also very powerful and helpful. Like most books of this sort, this is normally read by people in a struggling relationship, but I also recommend it for people in a healthy relationship (though perhaps less urgently) to try to improve what already seems great. This book was recommended by a trusted friend of mine; it sounded so useful that I ordered it the same night she told me about it, and read it the day after it arrived. I am so grateful that she recommended it to me: this book really opened my eyes on relationships in general and was right on target in my own personal experience. I am a skeptic by nature, but I recommend this book highly and without reservation to anyone in any kind of a relationship.

This is a very good book for anyone who is in a relationship that is basically healthy and sound. Or for individuals looking to enter into a relationship, who are emotionally healthy. Basically the book explains that due to people's individual personality preferences, upbringings, etc., we all have a certain preference for a certain "language" of love - we most value the way our partner shows us they care for us in a certain way, such as physical affection, words of affirmation, or acts of service. It explains that learning which one your partner most values is very important in a relationship, so that you can focus on doing/saying those things to make your partner happy. This book was released years ago, so it does feel a bit dated in that respect. There are far more self help books about relationships now than there were when this book was released, that address relationships in a more complex and comprehensive way. But this book is still valuable for its underlying message. But, this book is only for a certain amount of people, as I mentioned in the beginning of this review. It is for people who are already in a reasonably healthy relationships, who have the capacity to be generous and put their partner first, and compromise, for the good of the relationship. If you are in a relationship with a person who is emotionally stunted, selfish, narcissistic, doesn't show you often enough in any type of way that they care for you - this book won't help you at all. Even if you learn your partner's "love language" and adjust your behavior to do/say the things that most make your partner feel happy and loved, if they're not doing the same for you, you're going to be frustrated and unhappy, and this book won't help at all.

arrived in good condition. a wonderful read. helped my own marriage and my best friend's.

This book was recommended to me by a friend for my fiancé and I to read before we got married. I had no idea what to expect and was quite busy with school, but decided to give it a try anyways. I let him read it first. He loved it and was really excited to tell me about it before he had even gotten to the meat of the book. It was a quick read with many lessons applicable to us as a couple about to be married and contained profound christian principles stated in ways I found eye-opening and refreshing. As I picked up the book to read it, I thought I would skim the first couple chapters and set it aside until the next week. I became engrossed by what I was reading so thoroughly I was taken back to my childhood reading days when it would be hours before I even looked up. The truths were presented in several different ways throughout each section. There were real-life stories and summaries and suggestions. Not only will you say, I've always known so-and-so liked or disliked that, now I see it! But you will also be able to reflect and formulate a plan to establish a more positive and loving environment for everyone around you when you communicate with people using their primary love language. At the end are two quizzes for you and your partner to pinpoint your love languages. I highly recommend this book to all couples (even in the dating stage, you can't start too early with the communication process!) and encourage you to look at the other versions tailored to both adolescents and singles.

I bought this book on the recommendation of TWO friends who thought it would help me understand and explain some recent dating miscommunication and other assorted shenanigans, and wow... it did help. It had never occurred to me that other people expressed their affection in ways I didn't. I always sought verbal validation, quality time, quality conversation... that's me. If I'm not getting that, I feel like you aren't into me, you don't like me, you aren't interested in what I have to say, etc. Other things are nice add-ons, but at my core, this is what I need to feel loved. It also made me realize what a lot of the dysfunction in my previous marriage was. I've started categorizing everyone in my life by how they feel appreciated and cared for, and I do feel that all my relationships, romantic and otherwise, will flourish and be helped by the understanding this small book brought to me. Don't be close minded and put off by the Christian bent. I'm not big into the religious thing, but if you can separate any biases you have and be objective about the universal truths and lessons offered in this book, I think you'll find you gain a lot. Look at it this way -- all religions teach love and compassion, and this is just another way to learn that and be a more loving, understanding and thoughtful person.

I am not going to tell you about the authors writing techniques or anything else, I am going to tell you what this book has done for me. A friend (male) suggested I read this book some time ago. Since I dont read relationship books I laughed it off, and continued with my relationship. By that time I had been in my relationship with a man for 7 years, and though we love eachother we just always seemed to fight. He didnt understand me, and I guess I didnt understand him either. My boyfriend and I decided to split and I left the country. One day I was bored and picked up the book, and from page one it made sense. I read the book in 3 hours, and I couldnt wait to call my (then ex) boyfriend back in the states. I told him about it, and asked him if he would read it. He said yes, and so I had a copy mailed to him. He read it, and everything started to come together for him also. A month later he asked me to come home, and I agreed. I can tell you these last 2 months have been the best time we have spent together in the 8 years we have been together. I wish I had the book a long time ago. Now I suggest it to everyone I know, and everyone loves it. Do yourself a favor and buy this book, it might just change your life too.

This book was our wedding gift, but in german. I bought the english version. It turned to be our companion through life. I still read it whenever needed. Thank you Mr. Chapman.

It is a must have book for people in or out of relationship. It unfolds the truth why relationships does not work. Also points out which love language is the key to help correct the mistakes of falling out of love.

This book is excellent in every respect. It is for indiviuals and/or couples, is very easy to read, not preachy, full of practical ideas and exercises (rather than endless theory)and most importantly full of HOPE for a more fulfilling life. It provides insights that can help those who just want to improve the good marriages they already have. But it can really help those struggling with a troubled marriage, whether as a result of infidelity, those wondering why they don't love their partner they way they used to or just the the ups and downs of marriage. Importantly, the author gives ideas that can be practiced whether or not your partner wants to participate in the improvment process. Strongly recommended.

Good book

I was recommended this book and found it interesting and has helped me personally I would recommend this if you want to understand your partner and what it is that makes them behave in a particular way.